Chaos in Quatre's House
by TotorosBestFriend
Summary: Quatre reveals a dark and dirty secret, Relena dies...and Heero gets...traumatized? o.O r&r, flames are welcome as well ^^


1 Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing and beware of crazy OOCness. Oh, and if the writing style sucks, it's on purpose.  
  
2  
  
3 bChaos at Quatre's Houseb  
  
Quatre is sitting in his room as his door opens. Duo walks in.  
  
"Hey Quatre!! Wanna go get some pizza?"  
  
"No, it's okay. You Go ahead"replied Quatra.  
  
"You don't look so good, is everything alright?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I shaved some hair that I shouldn't have, I am very sorry for myself" as Quatre says this, he begins to cry.  
  
"WAHHHHH?!" said Duo.  
  
"Let me tell you, I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, although tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.  
  
It seems my bum-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my bumcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.  
  
"Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.  
  
"I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between- ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.  
  
"Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two bumcheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I  
  
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. DAMN, did it itch! It felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there  
  
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally  
  
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.  
  
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for bum-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my bumcheeks.  
  
"Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum-sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.  
  
"As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. "  
  
"k…..k….k-k-k-k-k-k-kkkk KAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Duo threw his head back and burst out in a loud laughter. He laughed so hard at this point that he fell to the floor face first, landed on his head and continued laughing despite the pain of falling on the hard marble floors of Quatre's room.  
  
"DUO! IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!" Quatre wailed before bursting into tears.  
  
"OHHHHH MANNNNNNNNN HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….k-k-k-k…*duo attempting to hold in his laughter* ohhh, I mean…I'm so sorry buddy!" said Duo as he began to pat Quatre on the shoulder.  
  
"I'm so, so, so, so extremely sorry!!" Said Duo. Then right after saying that, he couldn't take it anymore, he just had to walk to a more distant place so that he could continue his laughter. It could no longer be held in, his lips started to twitch up and down, side to side.  
  
He instantly ran out and slammed the door behind him. He leaned against the door and burst into a loud, large laughter. "KAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA *breathe* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA *breathe* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." Quatre heard this from his room and got extremely depressed.  
  
"Even my friends laugh at this error of mine, I don't want to live!"  
  
As he said this, tears continued to flow out of his eyes. Not the regular kind of flowing, more like squirting. Tears were squirting out of his eyes and splattering on nearby walls and furniture.  
  
"I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE" said Quatre.  
  
Right afterwards, he opened his room window, and jumped out. He lands on the ground and breaks his ankle "AHHH that hurt so much!!!" he cried as tears squirted out of his eyes more than ever. He struggled to get back up and soon got into his nearby sports car. He started his engine and started driving down his street at insane speeds. The yellow car streaked across the landscape and slammed/rammed/mashed into a large tree. The car exploded into millions of fragments upon impact, as did Quatre's body.  
  
Relena heard the impact and ran out of the building. Yelling her traditional line: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."  
  
It just so happened that everyone was at Quatre's house that day. Heero jumps into Wing-Zero, drives it and steps outside to where Quatre's remains lie. Relena looks up at Wing-Zero and yells  
  
"Heero, aren't you here to destroy me?" Heero steps out of Wing-Zero and walks up to Relena.  
  
"Heero, aren't you going to destroy me?"  
  
"Relena, do you need any kind of mental assistance?"  
  
"WHAT?!" asked Relena. "Heero, what have I ever done? What do you want from me?"  
  
"I want you to shut up."  
  
Relena gasps in astonishment.  
  
"Mission accomplished." Says Heero.  
  
Tears begin to form in Relena's eyes as Heero just glares blankly into Relena's face. "…but I love you" whispered Relena.  
  
Heero, being a specially trained pilot, is not used to words like love, passion, compassion, sex, care, making love, making out and macking. His instinctive reaction to such words are fatal. He throws a violent fit and begins beating Relena in the face as hard and as fast as he can with his clenched fists.  
  
Boom, smack, pow.  
  
Throw by throw, Relena's head bounces back further and futher. Eventually, Relena's head pops off and rolls off into the distance as Heero is still throwing a violent fit and throwing punches into the air where Relena's head used to be. As he realizes that her head is no longer there, he beings to calm down.  
  
"Mission accomplished" he murmurs.  
  
But as he rethinks his actions, he begins to realize his mistake.  
  
"I'm a soldier… I have no friends, I've never had a love life. This is the only girl that has and will ever love me! What have I done?!!!"  
  
Heero paused to consider this.  
  
"EEEEEEEK" he screams in a girly, shrillish voice.  
  
"Oh my! What have I done!" he says as he waves his arms frantically in the air. Soon, he cracks.  
  
"Tee-hee," he giggles. "weeeeeeeeeeeehehehehehehehe. Oh look! Pretty flowers!" Heero stoops down and picks up a dandy lion.  
  
"Relena!!" he yells at the dandy lion. "Relena, I am so glad that you're all okee!!!" "Tee-hee" he says. He skips girlishly into the horizon carrying the dandy lion which he seems to think is Relena.  
  
Victorson, the pet parrot of Quatra has been watching this entire eposide closely in a nearby tree. He flies into Quatra's house and searches for Duo. "Bwac! I have news to bring, news to bring, bee boo!"  
  
Duo runs up to the parrot. "Rehhh? A talking bird! Woweee!"  
  
"Heero went nuts nuts! Heero is nutbar! Bee boo!"  
  
"Whaaa?" asked Duo.  
  
"Heero is nuts, Heero is gone! Bee boo!"  
  
"NOO WAY!!!" yelled Duo in excitement. "YESSSSSSSSS!!!!" he jumps into the air and hollers "WOHOOOOO!!!!."  
  
"I GET TO PILIOT THE WING-ZEROooo! YEAAaaAAaaAaa~!" He runs outside and jumps into the Wing Zero in excitement. He hops into the pilot seat and straps on the seatbelts and makes a mess all over the place from his excitement.  
  
"Ohhh this is bad, real bad." He looks around. "Gah! I peed in my pants and it went all over the controls! Yuck!" The controls start to spark, and Wing-Zero explodes. 


End file.
